Attack on HQ - Reloaded
by ariathal2410
Summary: An alternate version of the Attack on HQ Arc: Allen has a devious plan, the Noah never saw it coming… CRACK, Oneshot


**Attack on HQ: Reloaded**

 _Warnings:_ characters added for my amusement, copious amounts of CRACK

AN: My laptop hates me at the moment, so does Uni... Stress and procrastination = writing random fics to entertain myself and de-stress. Here have some CRACK * _Cackles_ *

* * *

Allen, Link, Lavi and Bookman were eating peacefully when Allen's eye suddenly picked up Akuma activity. He vaulted over the table without hesitation and started running, Lavi calling out after him. He spared a quick explanation, not stopping and heading straight towards the large room he had last seen Reever. _There are so many Akuma…_ He thought grimly, gritting his teeth in apprehension. Once they reached the lab they were forced to stop as a giant black wall obstructed their path. Lavi broke a sign trying to get through it, but it didn't so much as dent it.

"Heaven Compass!" / "Edge End!" Allen and Bookman attacked it together, but even then, there wasn't even a scratch. Allen cursed, the entire Science Department was in there!

"Walker, this way!" Link drew his attention, motioning for the boy to follow. Allen complied easily, the teen seemed to have a plan. They weren't even half way there before Allen knew where Link was taking him. The Ark. He continued running at top speed, Lavi branching off to deliver the news of the break-in. Suddenly a door caught Allen's eye. A door he recognised. A devious grin made its way onto Allen's face.

* * *

Lulubell was annoyed, not that she was showing it. This had been _her_ mission and those annoyances had just decided to drop in on it. Tyki was hovering over to her left, looking bored out of his mind and the Twins were being loud to her right. Tyki kept on pestering her about when Allen would show up (he had _just_ seen him), and the Twins kept on crowing that they would finally be able to find Cross (again, they had their chance not long ago). Actually she was mildly surprised they were even healthy enough to be moving, she knew the Earl wasn't entirely happy with their decision to tag along. Lulubell wasn't happy about it either. She subtly grit her teeth as Tyki sighed for the eighth time that evening. She got that he was bored, but _really_?

"We don't have much time, be quick!" She ordered the skulls. Technically they had plenty of time, but the way the other three were going...

Just before the skulls were able to start, something came hurtling down at Tyki from above. The man didn't bother moving, just letting it slide through his body. That was their first mistake. When the item landed it exploded into a large cloud of smoke, completely engulfing Tyki. Lulubell looked up to see Allen Walker hovering on some kind of needle-cluster with a sly smirk on his face. The Twins started spouting nonsense about him paying their bills, but the boy ignored them. Instead his attention was focused on the receding cloud with an air of anticipation. She raised a delicate brow and looked over, expecting to see Tyki standing there looking happy to finally see the Exorcist he had been waiting for. She was not expecting what saw.

"The Noah like to play games, right~" Allen _purred_ , a wicked grin curving his mouth. Standing there in the dissipating cloud of smoke was a young child with grey skin, gold eyes, a line of stigmata on his forehead and long dark hair. Tyki looked down at his tiny hands, a look of surprise etching itself onto his features.

"Well, this is interesting..." He mumbled. The Twins squeaked. Lulubell wanted so badly to face palm. Taking their attention off Allen, their second mistake. Another item came sailing through the air and hit Devitto. He shrieked and the Twins both frantically looked him over, neither finding any difference. That was until he opened his mouth...

"Meow?" The young Noah slammed his hand over his mouth with a horrified expression at the noise that came out of his mouth. Allen, meanwhile, was cackling. Lulubell looked over, glaring at the perpetrator.

"What do you think you're doing?" She hissed, Allen merely smirked at her. That was when she saw it. A bottle. He was throwing it up and catching it when it came back down. And that was when she saw _them_. An entire stash of bottles was piled high in a makeshift bag using his cowl. She froze, that many bottles... Then the bottle was flying. She watched as it arced through the air before hitting a skull. And turning it bright pink...

Paying _too_ much attention to Allen, their third mistake. There was suddenly a large amount of white obstructing her view of the scientists, large trees forming in the space. She glared at the Generals that had just come through another Gate while they were preoccupied.

"I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck~?" Allen sung, winking at Cross before dropping a bottle at a large crowd of Skulls and Akuma below. Cross grinned, shooting the bottle while it was still mid-air. The glass shattered, the contents exploding all over the Skulls and Akuma.

"How about a cat~?" He finished as the cloud parted to reveal a mass of cats squirming around. Lulubell couldn't help but let out a frustrated shriek as the Earl's minions were rendered useless. Allen was cackling again, this time with Cross joining him. Apparently the Twins had had enough humiliation though, springing into action. Or trying to anyway...

"Meow?!" Devitto shrieked in annoyance, but Jasdero just made a confused face. The raven-haired twin facepalmed, dragging his hand down his face. He then frantically motioned between the two of them, Jasdero catching on and nodding in agreement. Lulubell grinned as the Twins started to merge, but not before another bottle came crashing down on them. She inwardly cursed, hoping it wasn't anything too bad. She almost screamed when the Twins emerged, tangled in meters upon meters of their own hair. There was a series of shrieks, yelps, meows and yowls as they flailed around trying to get out, only succeeding in tangling themselves further.

"Get the Egg through the Gate!" She screeched, another bottle careening through the air before hitting its target and turning a random Akuma into a grotesque, mechanical... fluffy bunny...

The stupid brat was still flying around on that bunch of needles, dropping and throwing bottles at random targets of either the Skull or the Akuma. The entire room was a disaster area, the boy's comrades cheering him on and laughing at the outcome. There were cats everywhere, a Skull with a huge head, a squawking chicken, two deranged rabbits, five gnomes, a flying monkey, a rainbow of coloured skulls, three snowmen... And that was only the tip of the iceberg. No, literally. There was a giant iceberg in the room and all that stuff was only at the top where she could see. There was a myriad of other things going on and Allen was still going around with a bunch of bottles. Not to mention Mini-Tyki (now with adorable, floppy bunny ears) was chasing the boy around the room and Jasdevi was still trying to get out of their own hair. Their green hair. That was when another Ark gate appeared and the Earl entered.

"Master..." She breathed in relief and slight fear. After all, she was failing her mission badly enough that it warranted his interference. He didn't look happy.

"Allen Walker~" He sang in his usual cheery way, but there was a harsh undertone and an angry glint in his eye.

"What do you think you're doing~?" He asked, using the same cheery but deadly tone. Allen grinned.

"Why Earl, I'm just playing a little game. Aren't you enjoying it?" He asked with a cheeky grin, said grin soon turning sly.

"Why don't you join in~?" He purred deviously, smashing a bottle into the Earl. The entire room froze in muted anticipation. When the cloud finally parted it was to see the Earl with his top hat knocked off and a huge mohawk on top of his head. Allen cackled, the Earl blinking obliviously as Lulubell silently seethed. The Earl made a noncommittal sound before turning around.

"Come my dears, we're leaving~" He ordered, all three Noah nodding in response. There was a cacophony of noises as the Akuma and Skull complied with the order as well. But Allen was having none of that, throwing a myriad of potion bottles in every direction there was an enemy. Everybody scattered and started running around like headless chickens, making a mad scramble towards the Akuma Egg. Once they finally made it, all the Akuma dived in at once, the Skull following closely behind with the Noah and the Earl bringing up the rear to protect the Egg and take it with them.

Allen flailed as he tried to reach the Egg before it disappeared, fumbling with a potion and shoving it forward just in time to watch it go hurtling down and smashing into the Egg. Everybody froze as they watched the Earl and the Noah disappear in a cloud of smoke. Mere seconds after the Egg disappeared into the Ark gate Allen burst out laughing. The boy was laughing so hard he couldn't even breathe, collapsing onto the floor and wheezing.

"What was in that last bottle...?" Cross wondered, staring at his idiot apprentice as he descended into another fit of hysterical laughter.

* * *

The Noah lay on the ground panting, not even caring about their image at that moment. The first to recover was Tyki, sitting up tiredly and looking over at their prize. He froze. A grimace slithered onto his face and he quietly snuck away. The Twins noticed this and looked over as well. And promptly followed Tyki's example. When Lulubell finally composed herself enough to sit up, it was to find that Tyki and the Twins had disappeared. Oh well, the Earl could scold them later. And if he didn't, she would. With claws. She let her gaze languidly drift over to their salvaged Egg.

.

.

.

"Ahhh!" She let out a strangled shriek at what she saw, prompting the Earl to sit up and look as well. Standing there before them was a giant egg. This wouldn't be a problem if it was the same Akuma Egg they had been trying to receive, but it wasn't. It was just a normal egg. A _gigantic_ normal egg, but a normal egg nonetheless.

"Master, I'm so s-"

 _CRACK_

The noise drew both of the Noah's attention. The egg cracked, a line appearing in its shell. Lulubell opened her mouth to speak. It cracked again, the line lengthening and spreading before the entire thing shattered. All the two Noah could do was stare at the large, round ball of fluff before them.

"Cheep!"

* * *

END

 **AN:** Procrastination is a wonderful thing... Thoughts?


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